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Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Vijayan calling Vijayan

There are moments in your life when you look back at the years gone by with all kinds of emotions thrown in. The last three years has been eventful in more ways than one and the one that's on top of my list is dad's untimely death dying due to pancreatic cancer leading up to an heart attack. It was heart wrenching exercise for all the close family members in having all the strength , determination and never say die attitude to see Dad up and running but alas that was not to be . Temple trips and endless vows and promises to the almighty up there did not make any difference. I guess when you have to go you have to. I was positive for one and reposed all my faith in the doctor hoping he could do wonders, but human he is also. Sixty nine  is certainly not the age to pass away especially when you have so much to look forward to but then god would have something special for dad up there. I can still remember the day i came back to Bangalore and nothing seemed right in the morning . You leave for work with a headache and a heavy heart cause its thinking about Amritha Hospital and a particular Mr Vijayan who was battling his life there and i was hoping deep down inside that he would make it through knowing his steely determination and his strong inclination to turn things around. Just when i was lost in my thoughts in the middle of the sundry bangalore traffic,my better half calls me and gives me the news which gives me the creeps ( your dad 's pulse rate is dipping ) in between[ sobs!!!. the mind goes blank , unable to think clearly , overcome by emotions i cried...regaining my composure i drive back home arrange tickets to coimbatore , take a taxi to the airport and quite strangely ( noor e khudha from my name is khan was  being played on the radio and i fought with god , questioned him/her for taking my loved one away from me )  land up in coimbatore late evening and meet with extended family members and then the drive from coimbatore to palakkad is the longest i would have thought , the thoughts running in your mind ( will i have the strength to see this through). The crowd of people swarming Kshemam( our house in kerala) was a sight to behold with my mom along with the near and dear ones teary eyed looking blank.I met many well wish wishers from all strata of society having a kind word for dad , now thats what makes the difference , they all had a common thread for dad ( gregarious,endearing,large hearted  and the ability to call a spade a spade ). There was a particular driver who made an observation – Your dad was one of a kind and it’s a big loss to humanity. My heart swelled with pride on hearing these postive attributes again. After performing all the ceremonies ( knowing dad he would be laughing from up there mouthing immortal gems - bahut badiyan -
he absolutely adored the fun track from namak halal between amitabh bhachan and ranjeet on the vagaries of the english language).

I must admit when dad was in the hospital post the heart attack and his blood pressure, kidneys were acting erratic i was jealous about another septuagenarian  of the same age in the hospital scraping it through. I always believed that Dad was a winner and he deserved to live more than the other like minded folks around him taking into account the goodness in him and the way he lived his life.But that was not the case. I still remember his face when everyone from the Family was around him before his final operation - he broke down for a few seconds and then he was back again regaining his mental strength to go through the long and grueling operation. A lot of self help books prophese about who will die when you cry , Dad gave credence to that theory by the sheer multitude of people who expressed their condolences . Some close friends , family members , shop owners were in a state of shock when they heard about Dad's death with reactions ranging from - how , when , where , why - Jayettan was so vibrant, active and cheerful when we saw him the last time around ... Alas it was not meant to be . He in someway would have touched their hearts life due to his deeds and his clean , straight forward manner of working with people.
It requires a lot of strength both mental and physical to move on in life after such an untimely death . No amount of lip service in terms of condolences expressed can never undo the loss caused by a death of a loved one and that my friends is the bloody harsh truth of life ...i have aged faster in the last three years and seeing everyone around me going through different phases of loneliness , emptiness and a sense of loss ....
It’s a bit strange and surreal when you lose your better half all so suddenly taking into  account the mixed emotions  and the life you have shared. I admire mom for her stellar attitude and her mental make up in picking herself up and taking life head on.

we underwent an emotional journey to rameshwaram . I wouldn't term it as long or boring. With an impressive pecking list of close family members it was a journey to remember …After making the dip in the sea shore next to the holy temple … and immersing the ashes there one feels @peace  I can still feel the omni presence of dad around and that is one reason why we don’t have dad’s portrait @ home , guess we feel his benevolent presence is around…

Love,Life ,Luck and Laughter,
Shekhar Vijayan